For most of us, 1999 brings back happy memories of Ten Things I Hate About You, Mambo No 5 and a strong sixth season of Frasier. But for NBA veterans, 1999 is synonymous only with the dreaded L word: lockout. The strike-shortened 98-99 season is universally regarded as a waste of time for everyone but David Robinson, who won the ’99 championship by crushing the ‘Best Smile’ portion of the competition.
With the prospect of another shitty lockout looming, NBA followers are understandably worried about the state of the league…but is anyone worried about the financial welfare of the players? The Players Association is telling its members to start saving money and I’m pretty sure Rajon Rondo is the only one listening. How can we expect these players to survive without forfeiting their god-given right to lavish spending? We called together the Wild Blogs round table to figure out ways for our boys to earn some extra cash while management keeps them down. America’s tallest millionaires, welcome to your new jobs.
Kendrick Perkins — Member of the British Royal Guard
Over the last seven years, Perkins has become known for his tough interior defense, unselfish play and a trademark scowl that many league insiders believe he has had since birth. While he may never be able to feel happiness like the rest of us, he is ideally suited for life as a member of the Royal Guard where smiling is, well, frowned upon. Just don’t be surprised when he delivers a hard foul to the first tourist that tries to test him.
Dirk Nowitzki — Hanging the star on Rudolph’s tree
There are many times in life when looking like a yeti would be uncomfortable and embarrassing: senior prom, blind dates and high definition broadcasts come to mind. Fortunately for Mr. Nowitzki, his talents will always be needed at the North Pole. If the abominable snowman is unable to fulfill his duties, Dirk’s 7’ frame, soft touch and strong resemblance to the mythical snow monster will be more than enough for the job. Let’s just hope he doesn’t have to do it under pressure.
Separated at birth???
-Ben.
Ben Wallace, Chauncey Billups, Rip Hamilton
Finally, they will have the time to really commit to the Crosby, Stills and Nash cover band concept they toyed around with all those years ago. Featuring Rasheed Wallace as Neil Young.
Allen Iverson
He’ll pretty much just keep doing what he is doing, but he’ll start acting like he CHOSE to play ball overseas because he has a keen perception of NBA labor issues and anticipated the lockout
-LuciDogg
LeBron James – 1700s French Royalty
The Wild Blogs career center is predicting a tough market for LeBron’s talents in a post-lockout world. The Cavaliers part of his application will be awkward (“Why did you leave this job?” “May we contact your former employer for a reference?”), and wearing sunglasses to the interview isn’t going to help.
Fortunately, we have identified a position where his sense of God-given entitlement and refusal to admit mistakes will be an asset: as a pre-revolution French monarch. “I spoil people with my play” slides in right next to “let them eat cake” on the haughty A-hole scale. As a bonus, Chris Bosh can become his manservant.
-Pmoney
February 20, 2011 at 1:29 am |
Kevin Garnett takes his talent for identifying cancer patients on the road as a touring motivational speaker for those with terminal cases.
“ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!…..Except for beating this disease. You need to come to terms with that.”