The NBA Playoffs: A Glimpse Into The Future

The NBA playoffs are my favorite time of year and the subject of much attention.  Everyone wants to know what will happen in the playoffs but no one seems to be able to figure it all out.  I decided to share my advanced knowledge of the games, complete with highlights from each series.  I don’t see how this could come back to embarrass me.  Predictions for the Eastern Conference and Finals are in Part II below

Round One

San Antonio vs Memphis

• Game 1: Grizzlies start game on 12-2 run before their well-honed tanking reflexes kick in
• Game 2: Manu Ginobili returns for game after doctors successfully transplant muscle into his weak elbow from his resilient bald spot

Spurs win 4-1

Los Angeles vs New Orleans

• Game 1: Former Laker Trevor Ariza gets off to a strong start when Kobe remembers his name during shoot-around
• Game 2: Kobe rewards Andrew Bynum’s perseverance though injury by choosing Bynum as the Laker that he looks off first before heaving up a contested 20 footer
• Game 5: In an inspiring triumph of human spirit, Chris Paul’s knee brace shatters around him as he runs away from his high school bullies in rural Alabama

Lakers win 4-1

Dallas vs Portland

• Game 6: The Blazers finally cash in on plan to rest Greg Oden for the first four years of his career so he can be fresh for a decisive playoff game
• Game 7: The timeless Jason Kidd crumples to the floor in pain when a fan holds up a horribly decayed painting of Kidd’s knees

Blazers win 4-3

Oklahoma City vs Denver

• Newly-acquired Thunder center Kendrick Perkins tells team he is done dressing up like Jeff Green before and after games

Thunder win 4-2

Round Two

San Antonio vs Oklahoma City

• Game 7: With his team facing elimination, Tim Duncan rouses to action like an Ent from Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers.  Much like the Ents, Duncan wastes his best effort before the most important battle (seriously, we couldn’t get one platoon of Ents at the battle of Gondor?  Was the fate of the world not a big enough incentive for those guys?)

Spurs win 4-3

Los Angeles vs Portland

• Game 1: Prior to tip-off, Brandon Roy is shocked to discover that the Blazers medical center rests on an ancient Indian burial ground.  After giving the deceased Natives a respectful burial, Roy finds himself finally rid of the vengeful spirits and makes a triumphant return to a standing ovation at the Rose Garden.
• Game 2: Roy sprains MCL in his left knee, is listed as day-to-day

Lakers win 4-2

Round Three

San Antonio vs Los Angeles

• Game 4: Spurs guard Tony Parker finds no distractions whatsoever during the four nights the team spends in LA
• Game 6: Kobe accidentally slaps Luke Walton’s hand, promptly asks scorers table for a towel to “wipe off the commoner stench”

Lakers win 4-2

NBA Playoffs Part II

The East!

Round One

Chicago vs Indiana

• Game 1 – Pacers start series on a 14-4 run, causing the state of Indiana to proclaim the team as “the Butler of the NBA!”  The Pacers then go on to lose 85-65, causing the state of Indiana to lament the team as “the Butler of the NBA.

Bulls wins 4-0

Miami vs Philadelphia

• The Heat coax a good performance out of LeBron by convincing him that they’re playing a special regular season series against the 76ers before the real playoffs start
• Game 5: Chris Bosh openly weeps in celebration of finally making the second round of the playoffs; Dwayne Wade sends an “FML” text to friends

Heat win 4-1

Boston vs New York

• Game 1: The Knicks stun the Celtics, spurred by the crunch time heroics of Carmelo Anthony and the collective will of hundreds of media members who want to pretend that this rivalry still matters
• Game 3: Celtics get their mojo back: Pierce starts hitting shots, Glen Davis forgets that he’s not very good and Rondo wishes he were big enough to punch someone in the face
• Game 6: Knicks fans begin summer-long pastime of  convincing themselves that Chris Paul, Dwight Howard and the ghost of Dave DeBusschere will all sign this off-season

Celtics win 4-2

Orlando vs Atlanta

• ESPN makes a last-minute decision to reroute all staff working the series to Miami for extra coverage of the Heat.  The Magic and Hawks players are asked to give an unbiased account of what happened

Magic win 4-2

Round Two

Chicago vs Orlando

• Game 2: At halftime of game in Chicago, Rose brings out an applause-o-meter to determine if him or Dwight Howard should be MVP.  Rose is lauded for his fairness.

Bulls win 4-1

Miami vs Boston

• Game 1: Shaq battles back from injury and age to prove to the world that he is still a large man

Celtics win 4-2

Round Three

Chicago vs Boston

• Game 4: Watching Rose play, Rondo is shocked to discover that point guards are allowed to shoot jump shots; he would go on to call it the turning point of his career

Celtics win 4-2

Finals

Los Angeles vs Boston

• Game 6: Ray Allen is sure glad he took exquisite care of his body so he could shoot 36% in Finals for the second year in a row
• Game 7: Doc’s voice reaches a rasp level that can’t be heard by the human ear

Lakers win 4-3

Why The Matrix Says I Love Losing

Like millions of sports fans around the world, I have chosen to root for a team that loses.  A lot.  And, like most of these fans, I get upset when we lose.  Knowing this, I still root for a team with a long history of futility.  In the clinical world, this is known as Self-Defeating Personality Disorder; in the sports world, we call it Fandom.  But no matter what you call it, the fact is that I’ve chosen to make a hobby out of misery.  Which leaves me asking, “why?”  To solve this unanswerable question, I turned to the definitive source of unanswered questions: The Matrix. There’s a key scene near the end of the first movie, when Agent Smith reveals to Morpheus that the original version of the matrix was designed to simulate a complete human utopia.  This utopia proved to be a failure, as the human mind simply could not accept the paradise as real.   “Human beings,” Smith concludes, “define their reality through suffering and misery.”  I think this idea applies to sports as well.  Sports fans define their reality through suffering and misery, which is why we can still root for losing teams.  Let’s take a trip down the rabbit hole.

As a sports fan, Game Day means many things to me.  It means getting together with friends.  It means speculating about our chances to get a win.  And, perhaps most importantly, it means complaining about my team.  Because when it comes to sports, complaining is the activity that brings together fans like nothing else that doesn’t come in a crock pot.  Sports fandom is a contradictory obsession, marked by our intense love for a team that we often resent.  Whether it’s the coach, bench players or mascot, we never fail to find reasons to complain.  But if we spend as much time critiquing our team as we do rooting for them, how much are we really enjoying the game?  And if we don’t enjoy actually watching the games, what part of sports do we enjoy?

Yet, even when we’re complaining about our team, we know it will be worth it when we finally get that elusive victory.  The one that we’ve been dreaming about.  Do you remember how good you felt after that big win?  Yeah…..me neither.  No matter how great it was at the time, the feeling of victory is ultimately a fleeting one.  What I do remember is how much it hurt to lose at the last second.   How the ref blew the call that would have won the game.  How things could have been different.  How it’s always the same.  If winning is everything, then why is losing the only thing that truly resonates in our memory?  Furthermore, if we accept that our memories are the only truly personal record of our experiences, this means that losing is the definitive record of our sports experiences.  If our only personal record of sports is centered on defeat, then it appears that we do define our sports experience through suffering.

 

In light of evidence concerning our inability to enjoy games and obsession over past defeats, I’m convinced that myself and other fans define our sports reality through suffering and misery.  On the surface this seems like a depressing thought but we don’t have to think of it as all bad.  Having a hobby where nothing seems to go right can be a useful outlet to vent emotions that would otherwise grow unchecked.  It doesn’t feel good to lose; the only thing worse is feeling nothing.  I suppose that’s what the machines in Matrix could never understand.  Which is probably why we never see Agent Smith in a Mets hat.

Help Wanted: life after the NBA lockout

For most of us, 1999 brings back happy memories of Ten Things I Hate About You, Mambo No 5 and a strong sixth season of Frasier.  But for NBA veterans, 1999 is synonymous only with the dreaded L word: lockout.  The strike-shortened 98-99 season is universally regarded as a waste of time for everyone but David Robinson, who won the ’99 championship by crushing the ‘Best Smile’ portion of the competition.

With the prospect of another shitty lockout looming, NBA followers are understandably worried about the state of the league…but is anyone worried about the financial welfare of the players?  The Players Association is telling its members to start saving money and I’m pretty sure Rajon Rondo is the only one listening.  How can we expect these players to survive without forfeiting their god-given right to lavish spending?  We called together the Wild Blogs round table to figure out ways for our boys to earn some extra cash while management keeps them down.  America’s tallest millionaires, welcome to your new jobs.

Kendrick Perkins — Member of the British Royal Guard

Over the last seven years, Perkins has become known for his tough interior defense, unselfish play and a trademark scowl that many league insiders believe he has had since birth.  While he may never be able to feel happiness like the rest of us, he is ideally suited for life as a member of the Royal Guard where smiling is, well, frowned upon.  Just don’t be surprised when he delivers a hard foul to the first tourist that tries to test him.

Dirk Nowitzki — Hanging the star on Rudolph’s tree

There are many times in life when looking like a yeti would be uncomfortable and embarrassing: senior prom, blind dates and high definition broadcasts come to mind.  Fortunately for Mr. Nowitzki, his talents will always be needed at the North Pole.  If the abominable snowman is unable to fulfill his duties, Dirk’s 7’ frame, soft touch and strong resemblance to the mythical snow monster will be more than enough for the job.  Let’s just hope he doesn’t have to do it under pressure.

Separated at birth???

-Ben.

Ben Wallace, Chauncey Billups, Rip Hamilton

Finally, they will have the time to really commit to the Crosby, Stills and Nash cover band concept they toyed around with all those years ago.  Featuring Rasheed Wallace as Neil Young.

Allen Iverson

He’ll pretty much just keep doing what he is doing, but he’ll start acting like he CHOSE to play ball overseas because he has a keen perception of NBA labor issues and anticipated the lockout

-LuciDogg

LeBron James – 1700s French Royalty

The Wild Blogs career center is predicting a tough market for LeBron’s talents in a post-lockout world.  The Cavaliers part of his application will be awkward (“Why did you leave this job?”  “May we contact your former employer for a reference?”), and wearing sunglasses to the interview isn’t going to help.

Fortunately, we have identified a position where his sense of God-given entitlement and refusal to admit mistakes will be an asset: as a pre-revolution French monarch.  “I spoil people with my play” slides in right next to “let them eat cake” on the haughty A-hole scale.  As a bonus, Chris Bosh can become his manservant.

-Pmoney

No, No, No…. I Said ‘Give Me Liberty Or Give Me… Zest?’

What are you doing to protect yourself from the bedbug infestation?

• Covering bed with layer after layer of spiders
• Letting them bite me, but not making a big deal out of it.  It is really just the attention they are after.
• Getting to know them, gaining their trust, waiting for the right moment to make my move.
• Yeah… like they’re going to bite the guy sleeping in the SIX THOUSAND DOLLAR SUIT.  Come on!
• Beating bedbugs at their own game. Namely, drinking human blood.

Excerpts from God’s Creation journal that didn’t make Genesis

• Day 8 – Nachos!  Can’t believe I didn’t think of this yesterday!
• Day 19 – Nachos are catching up with Me.  Re-started sit-up program today.  Definitely sticking with it this time.
• Day 23 – Decided to just remove a couple of My ribs.  Stomach looks flatter!  I can live with this.

Least used tragic flaws in classic literature

• Body does not automatically regulate breathing
• Unable to distinguish KISS from Little KISS
• An early, undiagnosable form of Bieber Fever
• Pacemaker set to same frequency as garage door opener

Let’s Twist Again (like we did last summer)

Unexplored Reasons the Mayan Calendar Ends in 2012

• Key member of calendar team left to pursue solo career
• Calendar-making fad died with Dateline report: Is Calendar Making Turning Our Children Gay?
• Mayans foresaw advent of iPhone apps, wanted to stop while calendars were still hot

Stealthiest Animal Hybrids

• Dodo-Possum – great at “playing extinct”

Ethnic Group That Could Challenge the Jersey Shore Kids In Their Reality Show Domination

• The subsection of adults that still haven’t figured out Blackberrys, texting or Twitter — watch every week as they struggle to make plans, end up at different clubs and search for a working pay phone

Least Used Flaws in Classic Literature

• Can’t drive a stick
• Slow texter
• Still hasn’t seen Star Wars
• Seasonal allergies

Unpublised Excerpts from God’s Creation Journal

• In retrospect, it seems pretty obvious that a snake shouldn’t be trusted.  Really wish I had created literary archetypes before this whole mess started.
• I realized today that hanging out with a dude all the time might raise some eyebrows.  Created woman just to be on the safe side.
• Woke up this morning and decided that I needed some ME time.  A day of rest to recharge my batteries.  I was going spend the afternoon eliminating all suffering but I figured, “hey, that can wait til next week”

Questions of the Week: Don’t Call It a Comeback. It’s Pronounced “Comb Back,” with a Long “O” Sound.

Question 1: What are some cloud classifications that didn’t get past the cloud classification naming board?

Cumulonimrod

Dodge Stratus

Apatosaurus

Question 2: Syndromes named after people that don’t already have syndromes named after them?

Val Kilmer Syndrome: Patient’s jowls seem to be and in fact are in danger of swallowing his entire body.

Kermit the Frog Disease: Patient is green. Patient will find this to be a great challenge.

Meryl Streep Illness: Patient has delusions of humility.

Julian Casablancas Disease: Patient’s body temperature drops drastically until he is too cool for school; his former band The Strokes.

Kel Mitchell Sickness: Patient disappears from limelight.

Katy Perry Affliction: Whipped cream inexplicably and in defiance of medical plausibility streams from patient’s nipples.

Franklin D. Roosevelt Syndrome: Oh, that was just polio.

Jesus H. Christ Condition: Over time, patient’s body slowly becomes porous and carbohydrate level increases; BAC rises exponentially in final stages.

Nic Cage Disease: Patient develops tics and spasms, loses his hair, and eventually descends into complete babbling incoherence.

Michele Bachmann Overdrive: Patient is a  terrible person.

Kenny Rogers Condition: Medical experts are as yet unable to determine what condition his condition is in.

Tyra Banks Syndrome: Patient’s head becomes so big it explodes in a brilliant cataclysmic event of fierce fabulosity.

Ben Afflecktation: Patient’s condition takes a nosedive for several years, and just when it seems all hope is lost, the patient appears cautiously healthy here and there, and then makes a near total recovery due to “Gone Baby Gone.”

Michael Jackson Malady: Yikes.

Courtney Love Infirmity: Yikes yikes.

Julian Assange Disorder: Patient begins to resemble a cross between Bill Maher and a Die Hard villain.

R. Kelly Complex: Patient exhibits delusions of ability to fly.

Elton John Problem: Patient develops phobia of nightfall.

Questions of the Week: Beyond Thunderdome

Question 1: Least used tragic flaws in classic literature?

*Cheating wife

*Poor coverage on cell phone plan

*Mexican

*Fly was down the WHOLE time

Question 2: What are you doing to protect yourself from the bedbug infestation?

*Try to get at-risk bed bugs off the streets (sheets) before they become a menace to society.  After school programs, vocational training, music therapy, free/reduced school lunches.  No Bedbug Left Behind.

*Swap out your regular pajamas for something less conspicuous.

Question 3: Excerpts from God’s personal creation journal that didn’t make it into Genesis?

*Dear Diary.  What is the deal with this formless, empty expanse?  This sucks.  Someone should, like, do something.  Cast their voice across the waters, or whatever.  I know what my mother would say, of course.  “Be the change you want to see in the formless, empty expanse.”  Blah, blah, blah…

*Dear Diary.  Today I said “Let there be light.”  And there was light.  And I saw that the light was good.  Then I said “Let there be rent.”  And there was rent.  But I saw that the rent was too damn high.

*Dear Diary.  Okay.  So I made Adam and Eve in my own image.  And everything was fine.  But this morning they ate from the Tree of Knowledge and realized they were naked and felt ashamed.  So now all of a sudden they’re both wearing clothes, or whatever.  Now I feel kind of ashamed to be naked.  What am I supposed to do…I’m gonna be the only one walking around without clothes on?  I’m gonna have to start wearing, like, a big white flowing robe or something.  This is bullshit.  I miss the old days, just hanging out around the expanse.  Chillin.  Freeballin it.  Whatever, Man.  Mo’ creation, mo’ problems.

Questions of the Week: “Haven’t you ever wanted to be part of something special?” “I WAS part of something special!”

Stealthiest animal hybrid?

• Pumasloth: combining the quiet stalking ability of the puma with the nobody-gives-a-fuck-about-it of the sloth. You won’t know, or care, that it’s coming—until it’s too late.
• Chameaglephant: camouflage of a chameleon + sharp eyes of an eagle + memory of an elephant = probably already stealing your ATM number.

Ethic group that could challenge the jersey shore kids in their reality show domination?

• Those annoying chain-smoking aliens from Men in Black.

Besides the end of the world, why might the Mayans have ended their calendar in 2012?

• Stopped raining at Mayan summer camp; kids were allowed to go play outside instead of pointlessly making eons worth of calendars.
• Mayan belief that existence is just a really, really long Groundhog Day loop.
• Great prophets foretold of the Internet; Mayans vain enough to want to increase Google hits for their civilization.

BRITISH SIGNALMAN: It’s the Americans…they have a plan! BRITISH COLONEL (as he extinguishes his cigarette): Well it’s about bloody time.

Question 1:  What animal hybrids would be stealthiest?

*Crabtah: The forward speed of a cheetah.  The sideways speed of a crab.  Nowhere.  To.  Run.

*Bumblebat: Bumble bees move by causing vibrations in the air.  Bats see/hear by sensing vibrations in the air.  The Bumblebat, therefore, due to his constant, built-in sensory overload, would have absolutely no idea what is going on.  And THAT is his greatest strength.  How can you elude a predator whose every movement–indeed his every perception–is random, illogical, completely 100% bumblebat shit crazy?

*Arch Eagle: The supernatural power of heaven along with the king of the sky supersight of the bald eagle.

*Velogiraffetor: The speed, agility, and terrifying stalking power of a velociraptor meets the bird’s eye view and peek-around-the-corner ability of a giraffe.  Deciduous trees beware.

Question 2: What ethnic group will challenge the cast of Jersey Shore for reality TV supremacy?

*A group of doe eyed Amish teenagers, setting out for the first time to experience the world of “the English”, will get more than they bargained for at the beaches and clubs of Cabo San Lucas during MTV’s RUMSPRINGA BREAK 2010.

*Six ethnic Athenian college students will spend 12 weeks  working and living above a juice bar in modern day Sparta.  Will the two sides be able to overcome their differences and heal the wounds of the Peloponnesian War?  Or will they learn that some grudges die hard?  Tune in to “Real World: THIS IS SPARTA” to see what happens when people stop being hoplites…and start getting real.

–side joke: instead of “The Situation” there would be a character called “The Ethos”.  Okay, side joke over.

Question 3: Unexplored reasons the Mayan calendar ends in 2012?

*It’s just good business sense.  Who’s going to buy the second calendar if the first one lasts forever?

*The Mayans needed just a little more time to perfect the calendar, but they were distracted with that whole Crystal Skull alien invasion thing.  It was a pretty turbulent time in Mayan culture.  Kind of like the 60′s for us.

*Their mathematicians examined the rate of human sacrifices in Mayan society and projected the numbers forward to figure out that in this year (in order to continue ensuring the prosperity of their civilization) the last two surviving Mayans would have no choice but to human sacrifice each other.

*The Aztecs had agreed to handle the next 5,000 years.

(A special thank you to my boy Paul for his assist with the animal hybrids.)